About a week ago, i realized my physical appearance was not what it used to be, i grew up dancing so i was always lean and small... i was ALWAYS called skinny. Until about a year ago, i moved cities, became less active, and depressed. My depression was/is a secret. I do not believe in my own mind that i am depressed, but it's my actions that scare me, my thoughts. I figured the only thing making me this upset about life was my weight... I stopped looking pretty, my hair never worked, clothes didn't fit, i wasn't hot anymore, i wasn't pretty... the only thing i had was my personality, which people seemed to like. But... even that was going, my confidence is gone and i'm always moody.
So i started my new lifestyle change, i've always wanted to unhealthily diet, but never found the strength in me... until i was talking to the man i really love.. one of my best friends from grade 9, who i've always like in the back of my mind... i have returned home after college, and we found ourselves closer then ever, being together.. Lyle (his name) is the most bluntly honest person i will ever meet, he doesn't sugar coat, but i love that about him.. just shows when he says meaningful things to me, he really actually means them.. and i know he does.
Anyways, i mentioned to Lyle i wanted to loose weight, i wished i was skinny.... and he basically agree'd. "You'd be even sexier then".... that threw me off guard, most people especially men say "no your perfect" NOT HIM... not the one person i would do anything to impress. In all honestly, i NEEDED this push, i was waiting for it.. someone to tell me straight up-
The last few days i have been eating little, eating healthy, and not snacking at night (my usual) working out too!! Makes me think of how UNHEALTHY i was before.. I would eat pizza and pasta like it was my life- not anymore. I haven't had bread in 3 days!
I drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water a day, when im hungry, energy-less.. water. I strive to be so skinny people talk about it.
All my college friends gained weight, i want people to notice how small i am, how sexy i look in ANYTHING, how it doesnt matter i have a short haircut, those high wasted jeans and heels look so fucking awesome on.. How i can wake up in Lyles cut-off long shirt and wear it as my dress, no bra, skinny hot arms... take collarbone pictures, wear ridiculous lipstick... the list goes on.
I saw a quote once, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" SO. TRUE. think about it, you want that cookie? Oh ok, might taste good.. but once its gone well... what was the point? did you need it? no.. all you need is water...
So i want to blog about my diet, what i eat everyday, how i feel.. etc.
If you read this and tell me how stupid i am & unhealthy, i don't care.. i know its not healthy, but no one ever got beautiful skinny being "healthy". fuck everyone i'm doin it!
xx Sar.
